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Who works for the stupidest company?
A magazine recently requested "Dilbert Quotes" for a contest. The following are real life submissions from workers quoting their bosses.
1. As of
tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual
security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive
their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft
Corporation )
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes
Lines Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming
intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.
Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell
them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)
7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25 page proposal that only needed
corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it.
The disk I gave her was write protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."
(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told
my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of
the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That
would be better for me."
(Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss
it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform
you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I
was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I
wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our
company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the
sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals.
The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into
the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the
building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for
"perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her
copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word
"pedagogical" circled in red.
The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his
dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me
not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff
came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday
newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In
accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting
words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo from a large
communications company: "Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to
promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing
emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"
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