To: ALL EMPLOYEES
Re: NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY
ILLNESS:
Due to manpower shortages, we are no longer accepting doctor's excuses as proof of illness. If you can get to a doctor to get an excuse, you are well enough to come to work. Quit loafing.
SURGERY:
This outdated practice is counter-productive to an efficient office. So-called "spare" body parts, that doctors frequently deem no longer useful are in fact assets that should not be so quickly disgarded. It is our belief your value to us as an employee will be diminished if we allow you the time off to disgard body parts willy nilly.
FUNERALS:
Unless, it is your own, we are no longer allowing time off to attend funerals. The dearly departed obviously is beyond your help, and frankly we need you here. We strongly suggest you inform your friends and relatives that their prearrangment arrangements should be rearranged to allow for evening services. We think that 8 p.m. has a nice ring to it. If you maintain a reasonable pace, you should be able to make the service, if you are willing to skip dinner.
PERSONAL FUNERALS:
While we are discussing prearrangement arrangement planning, we want to inform you that we have NOT changed our policy on your funeral. You may still go. In fact, we insist. However, we will be requiring a two week notice prior to death. This should provide adequate time to train your replacement.
OTHER EXTRA CURRICULAR ABSENCES.
It has come to our attention that too much time is being lost to bathroom breaks. We are in the process of organizing all employees in numerical order, based on your Social Security numbers. We will allocate 15 minutes per day for your personal bathroom needs. Those with lower numbers will be given access to the bathroom beginning at 8:00, followed by the second by the second group who will be given access at 8:15, and so on. If you are not able to "produce" at the appropriate time, you may use that time as free time, perhaps to speak to relatives about their funeral plans. If you are unable to go when your time comes, you will need to wait until your scheduled break the next day.
Thanks in advance for your
cooperation.
We want you to know that this change like all the others is designed with you in mind.
The management
Please take a moment now to inform the other employees
about these changes, and do it quickly.
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