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Fire Ways to Be
ANNOYING
Adjust the
tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like
it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 0800 operators for dates.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of
"Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Record commercials over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your trousers backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash
register.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson
conspiracy theories.
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically
restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 green bottles song. Sing the "This is the song that never ends..."
song.
Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly
done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Name your dog "Dog."
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the biscuit parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "good
one."
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to
fall off "in case the big one comes."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Glade Air
Freshener.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like
a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book.
Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid
the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33 rpm records at 45 rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because
of your "superior mental processing."
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
prophesy."
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter
something about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with
the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
And last but not the least....
Send 50
copies of this page
to your friends.
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