Beat The Heat
Purchase a Celsius
thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.
Grow a coat of dense fur.
While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it
from the heat.
The yellow face, it burns
us. Stay in your dank cave and guard your precious.
Seal all doors and
windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.
Stephen King's The
Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone.
If you leave pets in the
car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so
to baste them.
Remember: Heat rises. Fall
into a deep well.
Put out any fires in your
home to reduce heat.
Under no circumstances
should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air-conditioner
use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region.
Keep your dentures, hip
brace, diapers, and wig in the freezer when not in use.
Heat is a manifestation of
infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted
by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap head in tinfoil.
If possible, cause the sun
to collapse into a singularity, or "black hole."
Avoid "hot" programming like Cinemax After Dark.
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